I sat there(in the movie theater) with big tears running down my cheeks and thought really Lord? My bible? You want me to give him my bible? Even as I felt the yes in my core, I began to argue with God. I started thinking about how much I’d been through, and just how tightly I’d clung to the words in that book through it all. If my house were on fire(well… if I had a house) and I could only grab one thing, that bible would be it!
It doesn’t matter that the pages are falling out, it’s wrapped in duct tape, or my handwritten notes cover the pages; when I need encouragement, answers, or pretty much anything… It provides.
Three days later, as I’m getting ready to head to Potosi to meet with him to take care of some divorce stuff, I still feel God leading me to give it to him. I’m standing at the top of the staircase my eyes as usual are dripping, as I flip through the pages one last time. Seems a little silly to be this upset over a book… but it’s been a firm ground for me to stand on for so long. When I go on vacation, it’s the first thing I pack.(and I actually read it while I’m there!) When I need answers it’s the first place I look. Well, you get the picture right? It’s my connection to heavenly places.
Habakkuk 3:19- “The Lord God is my strength; He will make my feet like deer’s feet, and He will make me to walk on my high hills.”
I can remember when I was so broken that I thought I would never heal, every time I picked it up this page flipped open.
Which I suppose is why I find myself thinking, “But lord, I don’t wanna give him my bible! Its my lifeline…” Before I could finish that thought I realized that was exactly what I’d been praying for, for at least a year. For God to reach him; and above all else for him to have the very thing that made me want to be a better person. You see I stopped praying for a dying marriage to be saved a LONG time ago. I realized God was leading me on, and I need to let go. I also realize that even though I’m letting go, God still loves him and wants to know him. I try to live my life so that others can see God in me; so… If I feel God calling me to give my bible to him, Why wouldn’t I give it away? I’ve put a ton of time in studying the words of that battered old bible, they are now a part of me. They come to me at just the right time. Words that I didn’t even remember reading sometimes pop into my head unexpectedly.
To someone who doesn’t share my beliefs, this might seem a little odd or confusing. I can try to explain what I mean when I say I feel God leading me to do something, but until you experience it you just won’t get it. Even after the potential nervous breakdown, I loaded the bible(and the broom) in the car and headed out. I spent the day delivering cake pops to people I love, just because.(I love making people smile)
Like it always does, life went on; I met and signed papers to begin the process of removing my name from my home. It was difficult, but nothing compared to what I felt I had to do next. I followed him out to the car and handed him the book. I should have known it was coming, but he said, “I’m not taking your bible. It’s yours. It means too much, and you will want it someday.” I tried, and once again I failed. Driving home, and talking to God I found myself asking, “Lord I don’t understand why You keep wanting me to offer these things to all these people, and no one will accept what I have to give! What difference does it make for me to keep making a fool out of myself?”
What’s the purpose? Out of everything I’ve done, nothing seems to make even the smallest difference. As I’m crying out in my frustration, it’s like a light bulb pops on in my brain. Out of the blue I think of Abraham and Isaac. In Genesis chapter 2, God says, “Abraham.” Abe replies, “Here I am!” Can you imagine the relationship the two must have had? If I hear someone call my name; I usually have to look around and see who it was, unless I know them well enough to recognize their voice. This tells me that Abraham had spoken with his Lord enough that he recognized when God was calling him. Today we would call that discernment.
The second thing I noticed in Genesis, is that not only did Abraham know God’s voice, he was quick to say, “here I am.” He didn’t stop to wonder if it was really God, or how he felt about God calling. He just jumped at the sound of his name being called, and did what God said. In the end Abe tied up his son and was ready to make the sacrifice. An angel of the lord stopped him, and God sent a ram for the offering. I know if I were Abraham I would have been baffled and wracking my brain trying to figure out the purpose here. Luckily for old Abe, the angel pointed out that Abraham was being tested to see if he would with-hold his son from God. Perhaps that’s what was happening with my bible, or maybe just me offering it to him will someday make a world of difference in his walk with God. It’s also possible that it was meant for me to learn something from the giving, and that it wasn’t for him at all. In about two weeks, I will(hopefully) be done with this whole mess. I have big plans to finish the book I’m writing, and start a brand new job.