I’m so tired of writing sad stuff, and talking about what I’ve been through. I just want to be through it already. As in done with a capital D! You know, I wasn’t really sure if I was even capable of loving someone again. I had been on a few dates, and had dated one person for about three weeks. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him, but in the words of Forrest Gump, “I just felt like running.”
I can’t help at times that I feel like I’m broken beyond repair. I mean really, why am I constantly questioning every single decision I have to make. How is it possible to be in a room full of people, and feel alone? As I sat in the stair well earlier with my head in my hands; I realized that even if no one else sees it, I know how far I’ve come in the last year. (It would be nice to know someone sees it though) It’s a really slow moving train, but I assure you it’s moving.
So I had pretty much decided I was not going to date. I’d also been wondering if it was possible to forget how to love. I just happened to be in Florida, and my dear sweet friend(she’s never bossy) insisted I meet a friend of hers. I tried my very best to get out of a blind date to no avail. He just seemed to come flying into my life out of nowhere. Every single wall I had built up around my pathetic little heart just seemed to crumble.
I’m so thankful for him and all the things he’s teaching me about myself. He pushes me to be more than I was yesterday. He’s teaching me to know my worth, although I still struggle with self doubt. Just yesterday, when he heard my sniffles at the kitchen table, he explained to me how he got through what I was feeling. He then proceeded to make me laugh just like he always does.
Often, I find myself pondering how good of a fit we are for each other. I’ve never met someone who just “gets me”!
Well at least not until I met him. He dances to the Macarena in his living room. He sings random, made up song lyrics. He gives “rabbit kisses”. He’s willing to jump on a plane with me at a moments notice and have an adventure.
I can say all of this with certainty. My heart is not fickle, like some hearts tend to be. If I love you, it’s for life. I will not run(or walk) away, unless you force me to. I know the weight of those three little words; and I will not say them unless I mean them. There are so many things that could go wrong. He’s never gotten to see the me, that’s unbroken.(oh how I hope he does, and soon) What do I do if he gets tired of, or impatient with my healing process? I’m also terrified that he will decide I’m not the one for him. What if my heart gets broken? Well, that’s a risk I’m willing to take. At the end of the day we all just want to give and receive a little love.
I’ve written a lot about the L word, and I always quote Corinthians. Nowhere in the scripture does it state that love is supposed to be blind. I say that, because I know that neither one of us is perfect. Does he always make me feel like a million bucks? Nope. In fact as I’m writing this, he’s asleep in his bed and I’m sleeping on the couch with a sore knee and quite a few hurt feelings. Love is not two perfect people spending their lives together. It’s two messed up people, committed to being a team. It’s seeing the fault in the other and sometimes overlooking it, or you talk it out and make adjustments.
Life is not always easy. It can be dirty, hard, and terrifying. Things won’t always go our way, but it sure is nice to have someone there on the hard days to offer up a foot massage.(or a kind word)
So here’s the big secret I’ve been keeping friends. Are you ready for it? As it turns out my heart is not as broken as it once was. I don’t feel much like running away anymore, unless he’s running with me. We’re getting ready to have our first adventure and I cannot wait! I’m not sure if this is the right time or place for this confession but…