I forgot! I really forgot what was in the old frame. It had been hanging on my wall with one picture or another in it for at least fifteen years. You know how it is, you just put a new picture in front of the old one and hang the frame back on the wall. These frames moved out of my house with me, and have been sitting in boxes for months. I was going to hang some pictures and I remembered them. Instead of buying new frames, I dug them out and decided to use them.
I started to take off the back and remove the old pictures, and before I realized what was happening I was staring into my face at 19 years old. There I was, white dress and all, so young and innocent.
I wore that dress with complete, blind trust. I made promises on my wedding day that I fully intended to keep. Dang it! This picture unexpectedly brought all of those feelings of failure rushing back. I pulled the picture out and looked for a minute. I am proud to say that I didn’t sob! A few tears may have rolled down my cheeks, but nothing like the monsoon of the last year. It wasn’t a longing for God to fix it. I honestly don’t want that anymore. I spent months and months begging God to repair a marriage, that was quite a bit one sided. One of us put all of their self into loving and caring for the other, while the other one of us put their all into working and bringing home a paycheck. I’m very thankful there was always money for what we needed, but the things that I most desired, cannot be bought. I want someone who will fight for “us”, if ever there comes a time to fight. I want a mate who will recognize when I’m feeling low, and do everything they can think of to make me feel better. Now, I know that what I want is a best friend! Someone who is adventurous and not afraid to be themselves. I want to be a best friend to my partner. I want my opinion to be valued above most.(Not saying we always have to agree, but it would be nice to know I’m worth the fight and someone actually cares what I have to say.)
Notice I didn’t say I “need” a best friend, or I “need” to know I hold value in another’s eyes. Maybe it’s just part of growing up, or maybe it’s the circumstances I’ve come through, but I no longer need much of anything. I have wants, but somewhere along the way I’ve learned the difference between the two. Seems a little harsh to say I don’t need you, and I don’t mean it the way it sounds. I just know I can, and will, keep breathing until it’s my time to go. I can sit on the sidelines and let life pass me by, or I can LIVE. I mean really truly live! I don’t want to simply exist anymore. I need to make someone smile, every single day. I need to nourish my soul with the word of God. I need to stand in church, or our kitchen, with my hands lifted high singing praise to the one who created me. If you don’t like my singing, well… you should probably get rid of me now! I need to give love. Now here’s a big mistake that a lot of people make. I was tempted to type I need to receive love. There are a whole lot of days where I feel like I’ve just drained all of myself giving to others. There are also days where I find myself wishing someone would come along who’s just a little like me, see that I’m hurting, and send a little love my way. I have prayed many times for God to take the ache inside of me and just let me be a whole person again. I’ve begged him to send someone to notice my hurt, and just be there. As a Christian, I could stop right there and say, God sees that I’m hurting. God loves me. God will just be there. I do, I really know all these things to be true. I really feel like a failure when I feel the need for another person. I feel like I’m saying God’s my comforter, but I need someone to come along and comfort me. Truth is, I’m human! If he didn’t want us to comfort one another he wouldn’t have built that ability in, when he made us.
“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
Iron Sharpens Iron! This is one of my FAVORITE scriptures. When you rub two iron knives together, it sharpens the edges. This makes them much more efficient at their jobs. So one person sharpens another… meaning we use the word of God(Hebrews 4:12) during fellowship(time spent together) to encourage and lift each other up, but also to sharpen or make us stronger in our faith.
“The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
I don’t need someone to try to fix me, but I sometimes feel the need for someone to hold my hand for a while without me having to ask. Let me restate, I feel guilty for needing a friend to be there. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. The thing is, the Lord God said, “It isn’t good for man to be alone!” He said it. I’m glad it’s ok that I find my comfort in God, and also in His people. Sometimes you just need your “person”, to sit down beside you and just be there.
Sit Beside Me
When life gets heavy and I don’t know what to do,
Just sit beside me and let me lean on you.
When friends don’t seem to care, and no one sees my pain,
Just sit beside me and let my tear drops rain.
When my chest is tight, fear is strong, and I don’t know where to turn,
Just sit beside me and remind me, it’s for God my heart should yearn.
When I’m feeling empty and my heartbeat isn’t sure,
Just sit beside me and match my rhythm up with yours.
When my laugh is shaky and my hands beg to be held onto,
Just sit beside me and do what best friends do.
When the hurt starts to fade and my eyes start to clear,
Just sit beside me, and let me know that you are here.
When my smile starts to shine again, and there’s not a thing that I need,
Just sit beside me because with you is where I choose to be.
I truly believe there’s a reason for everything that happens in our life. What that reason is, I may never fully know. I pray that God continues to use my broken state to help others. It’s in the brokenness that He comes, and changes my heart. All I can say, is God sure has done a lot of work in my heart in the last year! The fact that I’m still able to pray for the man that cast me aside like trash, speaks volumes about the God I serve. Any sane person would wish him pain and suffering. Me? I must be nuts. I sat at the kitchen table this morning thinking and praying for God to show him how to truly live. The way I see it is this: I’m still hurting because of his actions. I still wonder what is so wrong with me, that my own husband of 14 years, left with no explanation. I have all this pain, but I have used it to do as much good as I can. I don’t care much about money. I want to help others. I am full of life, and will chase after the sun until the day I die. I love adventure! From here on out, I will live this life with everything I have. I started contemplating the last 16 years. We spent a whole lot of time alone. He doesn’t like to be around people. He doesn’t like going new places. He wakes up, goes to work, comes home, sleeps and does it all over again. He even eats the same food every single day. No wavering from the schedule. That to me is not living. To be content with that, well it seems like life is just passing you by. The good news for me is that I’m no longer defined by him. I can for once in my life be who I desire to be. I truly believe it was the answer to a prayer, when God sent someone so full of life into my path. One person was removed without reason, and another was thrust into my path. A man who, is goofy(just like me), and up for living life to the fullest!
I will never want to be put on a pedestal, but I would love to be the person that another wakes up thinking about. I would absolutely love for someone to smile when the think of me. For me it’s all about people and experiences. You might think it’s silly of me to say this, but… I want to change the world! I want to impact every single person I come in contact with. I don’t desire this for the reason you might think. I don’t care if a single person remembers my name, but I hope they remember my God! It makes me really sad to know that there are people out there living a routine, just letting life get the best of them. NOT THIS GIRL! I’m determined to get the best of life!!!
All of that being said, I’d like to do something I don’t usually do on here. In just a few short days, I will have to face one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to. It’s what I want to happen at this point, but I’m worried I’ll feel the weight of the past year all over again. I am terrified that the anxiety will get the best of me on that day, and I will be all alone with an hour drive home afterwards. I hate feeling like a failure, but I don’t know how not to. So if you think of me, especially next week, please send up a few extra prayers.