I remember in high school, how I used to feel pretty when I wore my hair like this. Today I feel a whole mixture of things, but pretty… Nah, pretty is the farthest thing from my mind. My life has changed so much in just the last few weeks even. There are always a thousand thoughts running like a mixed up delivery driver through my head. Whether I want to feel it or not there will be pain in this life. I recently faced one of the very hardest days of my life, but you know what? I made it through. I’m still here and I have a future.(Jeremiah 29:11)
This morning was a little rough, but even when they make me cry, I still love the people God has chosen to put in my life. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I’m often amazed at my ability to smile and be silly in spite of tears in my eyes.
I’m heading out for a job interview and I’m so nervous. Once again all those feelings of not being “good” enough are trying to resurface. “You’re too old to be starting a career,” shout the voices in my head! “You’ll never make it, you’ll fail at this just like you failed at marriage,” they taunt. Man it would be so easy to let them drag me down, back into that dark tunnel that I’ve been trying to crawl my way out of for the past year. It seems like every time I think I’ve made it out, I let something drag me back. I’ve heard it said that things can only hurt you if you give them the power to.
Well today I’ve decided to take the power away from someone who caused only brokenness and pain for the past year. I’m giving the power back to the one that it belongs to, my God! I refuse to be stuck in a tunnel any longer, or to be dragged back once again by the thoughts in my head. I will fight to be happy, and successful in life. Success means a lot of different things to each of us. To me though, being successful would be to once again be able to just simply let someone love me, and not constantly worry they will change their mind. I will remind myself that the one I love now, is not the same as the one who blindsided me with an ending after 15 years of marriage.
I know that even though I don’t see it, there had to be a purpose for all of this hurt. Today I will hold my head high, dry these big salty tears, and move towards a bright future. The bottom line is: Life, well it’s hard most of the time. We often spend so much time planning for tomorrow that we forget to LIVE today. If you think about it, today is really all we have. Before we know it tomorrow becomes today, and would’ve becomes should’ve. I’m tired of letting today pass me by, while hoping for a better tomorrow. I’m determined to turn my, “I could’ve” into “I did!” I will live, and love in this moment. I guess I’ll have to deal with hurt when it comes. I will laugh with the man who makes my heart smile every time I think of him. This morning I’m thankful for the pain of the past year, because without it I would never have met him. He is such an inspiration to me. Can I just take a moment and thank his mama for raising an amazing man! He keeps telling me to let the past go and look at him, because that’s where my future is. You know, I think I’ll take his advice!