It’s been mentioned a time or two that I think too much. I wasn’t always like this. If it’s any consolation on top of thinking too much, I also feel too deeply. When I find someone I love, I will do everything in my power to make them smile repeatedly. It’s funny how one little sentence, spoken to me in the middle of a heated discussion, can inhibit such ponderings. The thing is, I write about my experiences. I share what I’ve been through(or am going through), in hopes that it will help someone, anyone really to pick themselves up and have a little hope. Believe it or not, there are days when my hope wears thin. I don’t always find someone to share their hope with me when I need it. Lucky for me, I know where to find a filling station of sorts. You might ask, “Where is that?” That would be on my knees, in prayer.
Someone said to me the other day, “You’re looking for a fairytale.” I actually felt a little speechless at this comment and it took me a while to be able to process.
Let’s start off with a little vocabulary lesson. The definition of fairytale is as follows…
noun: fairy tale; plural noun: fairy tales; noun: fairytale; plural noun: fairytales; noun: fairy story; plural noun: fairy stories
a fabricated story, especially one intended to deceive.
Synonyms: lie, white lie, untruth, fib, half-truth, falsehood, tall tale story, fabrication, invention, fiction.
By that definition of the word, I’d be willing to say I’ve already lived in a fairy tale. There were no disagreements, no fighting, just simple submission to another’s will for my life. There was also no passion for living life. It ended in lies, falsehood, and wondering if there had ever been love received for the love I had given.
So the quick answer to your assumption about whether I am looking for a fairy kind of love is: NO!
Since this a blog and people want more to read than just a few sentences, I’ll tell you why…
Another word for fairy tale is lies, or half-truth. No woman in her right mind would want that. I would rather have a pure raw I don’t love you any day, over someone just simply telling me what I want to hear. I have learned a lot in the past year, maybe more than in the rest of my life thus far combined. All I can say is pain changes people. I’m having to fight on a daily basis to be better than bitterness and hatred. The hurt and pain sometimes makes me want to shut down, and not care if I’m ever loved or give love again. Then I think, that would be letting the wrong side win here. So I wake up every single day and I fight! I fight to get back to happy. I fight for love. I fight for respect.
Do I fight for a fairy tale? Nah. Those are for little girls, and I’m not a little girl anymore. In case you didn’t notice, I am a woman now. Somewhere along the way, I transitioned from the scared little girl who just wanted someone to love her, into a woman. Not just a woman, but a woman who won’t settle. Someone who knows without a doubt who I am, and the importance of loyalty, trust, and respect. That’s right, if you offer me a fairy tale, I’m going to laugh in your face. I don’t want lies and half truths. I want real, messy life. I want to know without a doubt that when life is hard and you want to leave, you will know my worth and choose to stay. As a woman, sometimes I’m scared. Scared of failing and losing the ones I love. As a girl I would have let that fear hold me back. Since declaring my womanhood, I feel the same fears, but now I move forward anyway. I still want someone to love me, but I will give love whether I receive it or not. I deserve to have the effort and love I put into friendships returned. One of the lessons of growing up, is people won’t always give back what you invest in them. Sometimes they take what you have to give, all of it, and in turn they give pain and grief. It’s in this exact moment that I realized the tattoo that I chose(gasp… yes I marked my body) could not have been a more perfect reminder of who I want to be.
All I ask, is that if you are in my life, know that it’s because I choose you. Never will I choose friends, or a mate because of things they own, or what they can do for me. Give the same loyalty you receive. I have never read the 5 languages of love. I do know this: Everyone gives and receives love in different ways. Personally, I feel most loved when someone will hold my hand without me having to reach first for theirs. I want someone who will randomly put their arms around me and just let me know they love and want me in their life. Sorry, but I’m not in the market for temporary. Life is short and hard. A great new friend of mine once told me, you can let the hard times tear you apart, or the two of you(yep if you’re reading this that would be you dude) can grow and change for the benefit of each other. You work through the hard stuff, and become closer in spite of it.
Every part of a REAL relationship is new to me. I’m unsure of myself every step of the way. I’m learning that arguments, laughter, kisses, tears, happiness, and frustration are all a part of the real. If ever there were a fairytale, well I’ve lived through that. It almost destroyed me. The lies, cheating, manipulation, and hurt are the definition of a fairy tale. So I will reiterate, NO, I’m not at all in to fairy tales. You know what I am in to though? Trust, loyalty, and someone who will stand up for me. Just like the little girl I once was, I want someone to love me. The difference in she and I, is this: She thought she “needed” love to get through her life. I know that in order to get through my life I need to “give” love. It would be such a better life if I also was on the receiving end of said love.
I do a lot of my writing in the notes on my phone. It’s not my preferred method, but it’s always handy when I have a thought. As some of you know I’m writing a book. I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I just know that writing, it’s one of my callings in life. I feel everything so strongly, whether it be happiness, sadness, love, or fear. I write a lot about love. I write a lot about pain. The words I write aren’t fabricated, they are the way my thoughts appear. Just because I my thoughts come across in pretty words, and well coined phrases, does not mean I am oblivious to hard, dirty life. It doesn’t mean I romanticize everything. I say what I feel, that’s all. I’m probably one of the most open and honest people you’ll ever meet.
So if you love me, friends or mate, tell me! Make sure that I’m reminded constantly. Show me! Put in the effort that I put in for you. I’m tired of wondering where I stand in any relationship. I’m tired of feeling unwanted and used up. For way too long, all I wanted was to be seen. Here’s a quote from my notes for my book, “I would look at him and wait to catch his eye so I could share a smile, but he never looked up. I spent a long time just waiting for him(anyone really) to see me. I kept thinking, one day, yes one day he’s gonna look into my eyes and notice me. It didn’t happen.”
At the end of the day all anyone really wants is to matter to someone. There are so many of you who matter to me, and one in particular that has taken me by surprise and matters so much already that it scares me. The bottom line is that if someone wants you in their life, you will now by the way they reach for you. In the quiet moments at the end of their day, do they chose to hold your hand, or do they jerk away when you reach for them? Do you catch them looking at you when there are a thousand other things to look at? Have you ever had someone just want to be next to you because they love you? If you love someone today, consider how you treat them. If you think you are doing a good job, strive to do better. Go out out of your way to show them. Speak up for yourself when no one else does. KNOW your own worth. Let love lead, and don’t let past hurts stop you from taking a leap of faith. By definition, I hate the word fairy tale. I prefer to be right in the middle of the biggest, messiest, love filled life available. Unless you’re a little girl, it’s time to grow up and stop searching for the fake. Embrace the real. When you find “the one”, you will know. Trust me! They will make you want to risk it all for chance at a life spent loving them. It will be scary, that’s for sure. There will be days you will want to walk away or punch them square in the jugular. Just when you feel like you’re ready to break, they will reach for your hand, and you’ll learn how to bend instead!