I was going to save this one for Father’s Day, but I couldn’t wait…
Standing at the kitchen sink, and all of a sudden I was overwhelmed with a feeling of normalcy. I realized that I finally felt like myself for the first time in a long time. I was peeling potatoes, when it hit. I stopped to thank God for bringing me through and quickly headed to the living room to thank him for encouraging and helping me to find myself once again. Well, with a few changes for the better mixed in. I peered around the corner and there he was sleeping… I knew it had been a long hard day for him, and no matter how badly I wanted to, I just couldn’t bring myself to wake him. I guess when he reads this, “if” he reads this, he will see.
At more than one point in the past year, I was afraid I’d never fully get back to “me”. I’ll always remember what I came through, but I now realize, I don’t have to carry the hurt any longer. For whatever reason, I was set free from something, I thought I couldn’t live without. Then just as suddenly, I was thrust into a whole new life, that I never expected. I have to say, It’s a pretty good life. I honestly remember days upon end where I just wished God would not have woken me up. That’s a really horrible place to be. I’m so greatfull for those unanswered prayers.
I really believe that God sends people into our lives at just the right time. He sent someone to remind me that I AM good enough to love. I don’t have to be afraid of every little obstacle that I face along the way. Just the other day I was scared to start a new job and he actually quoted me a scripture!
So here I stand, in line at six flags writing this short, sweet blog post. As I’m typing, the three year old reaches up to grab my hand and then his daddy’s hand in the other. The sweetness of the moment literally brought tears to my eyes. I know I will never be a parent, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be an important influence on their little hearts. When they are old enough, I hope they read this and see how even at the beginning, my love for them was fierce. There are still times where I feel like an outsider looking in, but then one of these kids smiles or says something to make me laugh, and I’m reminded that slowly but surely I am becoming theirs.
It’s really quite terrifying, when you see how badly love can hurt. I think, perhaps if it hurts, it wasn’t really love. Maybe you truly loved, but weren’t loved in return. Maybe you were tossed aside, and trampled so low, you thought about giving up on life. When you are staring a second chance in the face, if you feel like running maybe you should. Speaking from personal experience, when you find the right one, you won’t want to run away anymore. At this point if I were forced to go, I know I would survive, because I’ve done it before. I will tell you, I would fight for this man and these kids like I’ve never fought before. Is the feeling mutual? I certainly hope so, if not I’m on the road to a broken heart. I’m learning that love, the real kind, is not always easy. It takes cultivation. You don’t just plant a garden, and never work in it. There are so many things that could go wrong, but when it’s true , a thousand problems could arise and you still find yourselves standing beside each other! Man oh man, do I hope with every fiber of my being that this little family decides to keep me. If not, there will be three big ole pieces of my heart missing. I’m not sure when it happened, but somehow this wonderful daddy, and his two kids have became the glue that’s holding all the tiny little pieces of my once shattered heart together again.