Here I sit watching him giggle in the floor with his kids and I’m an outsider. He’s such a good daddy. It makes my heart swell with pride to see it. At the same time my heart wants to cry because I will never experience that bond. The bond between a parent and a child. The bond between a husband and wife as they see their newborn baby for the first time…
I know the excitement of finding out you are pregnant. I know how it feels to start shopping for maternity clothes and dreaming about tiny little baby things. To see your baby(no matter how small) on an ultrasound, is quite amazing. Then swiftly, suddenly everything changes and you are left with an indescribable emptiness. It is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face. I didn’t intend to write about this tonight, and if I’m being honest, I really don’t even want to write or talk about it at all…. EVER! For reasons unknown, I’m doing it anyway. Maybe it’s been a while, and after all this time, my heart is finally starting to heal enough to where I can talk about it. Reading my blog, you’d never know that I used to not talk about my feelings. I used to never cry, unless they made my food wrong at a restaurant. Having gone through a year where my whole life was unmade, I share because maybe someone else will find a little hope in my story.
So, let’s talk about it…
About 8(I would have an 8-year-old!) years ago, my then husband and I, lost a child. I was so excited, I had told everyone. Big mistake on my part. I can remember months on end, where I went to sleep crying, just wishing I would feel that flutter of movement. I slept with my hands on my stomach for the longest time. I blamed myself. I questioned everything. All I could focus on was the grief. Now to those in the outside world, I may have looked unaffected by the loss. I seemed to have shaken it off. Well if you’ve ever been there, you know it’s not just something you can “shake off!”
I still carry that with me. I heard a speaker say at a woman’s conference last weekend, you will always remember the loss, but in time the hurt dissipates. There are certain times in my life where, when I look back they will stand out as defining moments. The things that define me and have made me who I am, are not all happy. The hard and the hurt have changed me, somehow for the better. Where most people would have become hardened and closed off, I find that my heart bleeds for others. I’m one of the most open and honest people you will meet. I will share my story, not to make someone else look bad for the way they treated me, but to make someone who’s going through it see that they can make it.
Now having said all that, I must confess, I AM AFRAID OF HOPE! There are certain things I want in life, and I’m scared to even hope they will come to pass. I know that God is a great big God. I know that he can do anything. I know that even when I’m unlovable, He loves me anyway. I know that I will never be a mother, and I’ve known for a long time that was most likely not in the cards for me. It’s ok. Really! DEEP BREATH… let it go annnnddd move on.
I never in a million years expected the events of the last year to take place. I prayed so hard for God to change a man’s heart. I just knew it was going to happen. People told me I was stupid, and that’s not how prayer works. When I hit my knees and prayed, “God, either change his heart or change mine”, change came quickly. It was a blunt, short, I’m at the end of my rope prayer. At the time, it was all the words I had. You see, I had been praying for what I thought was best for me. When I finally and completely put it all into God’s hands, my heart changed. I don’t know why divorce came my way. I don’t know why I lost the baby. I do know there are a lot of things that are out of my control, and when I start to worry about them, it makes me a little crazy. When I start to dwell on all the things that “people” have done to me, I begin to feel like I don’t matter.
I truly believe that there are those put in your life, that you are meant to love. Sometimes one that you thought would last for life becomes a stepping stone on the way to the one that will. I found myself wondering a few days ago, what does he see when he looks at me? When I look in the mirror, most days all I can focus on is what’s wrong with me. I wonder, do you see that stuff too? Or do the good things, that I have trouble finding, stand out to you? If I had to make a list of the good things about me, I just might have a full-blown panic attack. Today I was asked if I would need to be reassured that I am loved for the rest of my life. My answer was, “I hope not.” The thing is, if I doubt, it is only myself that I doubt. Honestly, I know I am loved. Where doubt comes into play is when I start to see all these shortcomings. I’m putting myself out there 100 percent, and what if all of me isn’t enough? What then?
I know most everyone has heard the saying, “a little encouragement goes a long way.” There has never been a more true statement. Just a little boost was all I needed to launch into a new career. It terrified me, but I’m doing it anyway, because of the encouragement I received. Without that push, I would never have started a job that I love! When I fall behind, don’t automatically assume that my feet can’t keep up. Nine times out of ten, I’m feeling small, or unworthy of you. If I draw back, stop and wait for me to catch up, and gently remind me that you choose me. Let me know that you plan to keep choosing me!
Just this past weekend we attended one of the most beautiful weddings, I’ve ever been to. We sat at a table with friends and laughed. We danced and sang along with the crowd. We spent time with our families. We ended our Sunday at the funeral home. Beginnings, and endings can come unexpectedly. Things can change in the blink of an eye. Say the things that you need to say while you have the chance. Don’t ever let someone you love go to bed wondering what they mean to you. Show them. Tell them over and over, if that’s what it takes. Don’t waste time entertaining the opinions of others. LIVE! All too soon people wake up to find that so much life has passed them by while they were sitting on the sidelines. If I could teach you one thing, it’s to run! Run as fast as you can towards love. Love God, your family, and yourself. Don’t let the struggle, stop you in your tracks. Instead let the struggle propel you forward into the exactly where you are meant to be!