Since the last time I wrote a lot of things have happened. After all that’s what things do. Right? They just, well… Happen!
Some of you took the last blog I wrote a little off from what I intended. I was actually quoted a line from my blog and laughed at the other day, like “yeah you’re a Christian?” In that situation, what is the correct way to respond? Your guess is as good as mine. I for once in my life was speechless and said nothing. I simply turned, and slowly walked away. I wasn’t pointing out that all I do is sin. I was trying to say that I know I’m not perfect. I know there’s a lot of work to be done in me. I’m trying. I struggle every single day with people. I want to show love and kindness to everyone, but there are many days that it’s very hard. Some days I want to hand out throat punches like candy in a Christmas parade! I don’t do it, but I think about it. I look down at my wrist and see the words “Love them anyway”, and I think, “dang it, I can’t do that.”
Today, I had lunch and a little time with a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. Oh how I miss her! Halfway through the day she got a look on her face and said, “I have to tell you something.” She then went on to tell me that a few weeks back she had dinner with my ex-husband and his girlfriend. I think she thought I would be upset. When I said, “it’s fine”, she breathed a sigh of relief. Any normal person would hate her dinner companions for what they did… but I just can’t. I had a moment of weakness where I wanted to turn to my friend and say, “Please don’t be her friend?” It hurts my heart to think of MY person being friends with her, but then I’m reminded of my immediate reaction at the beginning of all of this. I was drawn to be kind to her. Due to my faith and the beliefs I hold, I was able to pray for her. Not some short sighted prayer for God to make her leave my husband alone. I spent hours on my knees begging God to let me be a light in all of this. To let me be okay if the plan was not to restore my marriage. To let me be kind if she ended up with my husband. I encouraged my friends and his family to accept her. I tried to make them see that it was ok. I knew the day was coming and I think it was the right thing to do on my friends part, but I still feel the little voice saying, “Please don’t let her take my place.” Guess what? I think that just means I’m human.
I feel the distance between myself and my friends and family on a daily basis. Do I want to move back to my hometown? Nope. I like right where I’m at. Do I wish there was more time for all of us to spend together? Definitely. There are days like today, I just needed someone to talk to. Due to the anxiety, I sometimes just can’t. I associate stress with certain people and I can’t call. I can’t talk. I want to, I just don’t know how to force myself past whatever it is that’s holding me back. Things happen in life that I just don’t understand. When something is out of my control I get scared. Pretty much everything in my life is out of my control these days.
To top it all off my stupid heart went and fell in love… that terrifies me. This time it wasn’t just with one person, there are two tiny people that grabbed ahold of my heart also. There is so much at stake here and I’m one giant bundle of nerves. We spent the weekend in Branson this weekend with some pretty awesome folks. I left the house determined to have an anxiety free weekend. Things don’t always work out like I want. I stood in line for the titanic museum and the shaking started. I know when I am experiencing this, it has to seem weird to those around me. I’m sorry. I don’t want to be weird.
I read a quote on Facebook as I was trying to decide whether or not to write tonight. It really struck a cord in me, so I’m sharing.
“Why worry? If you’ve done the very best you can, worrying won’t make it any better.”
I know that I’m doing the VERY best I can. I’m trying to be kind in every aspect of my life. I didn’t lose my values in all of this. My priorities may have changed, but I still know who I am. I learned that when things start getting the best of you, to stop and put your focus back where it belongs. When I focus on the goodness of God instead of the goodness of his followers, I’m reminded of the reason why I choose Him. You might say, what if he’s not real. Well then, I’ve lived a life led by kindness and love for my fellow humans. A life instilled with values I learned from the bible. There is not a thing wrong with that. Taking the bible and twisting it to fit your needs, that’s a problem.
The moment I start using it as an excuse to judge others, that’s the moment I need to check myself. I do often, “Check myself”. Most of the time I find that I don’t measure up. I don’t think I ever will without faith. You see, faith makes little old me stand tall. Faith says that things are going to get better, that by the end, everything I’m facing now will have worked itself out. I know this was kind of a random, mish mash blog. I really hope at least one of you reads it, and gets a little something out of it.
Bye for now y’all!