I am enough.

A blog post by guest writer, Bailey Self.

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Before I begin, I have to make it clear that THIS ISN’T CRYSTAL!  If some curse words and crude humor aren’t your thing, I’d stop reading now.  She will be back to write for you guys next week!

When Crystal texts you and says “So I have an idea…” you really never know what will come next.  She wanted to swap blogs for a week….give our readers a taste of something different.  It sounded simple enough.  I would write on hers, she would write on mine.  Maybe a fun little photo shoot would be involved.  Then I sit down to actually write something, and I feel a little scared.  Okay, maybe not scared, more like intimidated.  Anytime I write, I want my words to mean something.  I made the mistake of going back through Crystal’s posts and intimidated feels like a bit of an understatement now.  She is so thorough and eloquent with getting her thoughts across, where mine are just a jumbled mess in my head that I throw out into cyberspace hoping it comes out clear!  I told her that I also don’t want to offend any of her readers who have never heard of me!  She thinks you guys can handle me, so fuck it I guess let’s get this ball rollin’.

Now, I want to give you some backstory on Crystal and I.  This post is not intended to be about how much I adore her (which I really do), but I need to explain to those who don’t know.  She is my mom’s baby sister, so technically she’s my aunt, but anyone who knows us knows we are more like sisters.  She lived with us up until she got married so we’ve always been close.  She’s closer in age to me than to my mom, and sometimes she gets mistaken for being my mom’s other daughter.  My mom really loves when we tell people that by the way!  (Sorry mom)  We have many similarities in our personalities and also the paths our lives have taken.  For one, (tell me how weird this shit is) we both got married right out of high school, and to men with the SAME last name, who weren’t even related.  I know, what the hell right?  Anyway, we both love to sing, read, write, and paint.  She loves to cook, and I love to eat what she cooks.  Two peas in a pod I’m tellin’ ya!  We do some pretty awesome “awkward christmas cards” each year to give to our families.  I’m gonna have to share a couple below so your day can be made by how awesome we are.

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A few years ago life got messy for me.  Divorce is an ugly word, and even after going through one.  I DON’T believe in them.  I believe in working things out, but as I have learned in the past months- you don’t always get what you want. I also learned though, that if you surround yourself with great people the messy stuff isn’t as bad.  So when Crystal had to go through the same ugly situation I listened when she cried and when she yelled and when she just wanted to break things.  I listened to her because she listened to me.  I hate that one of our biggest things in common has to be the hurt we have both felt when the person you devote your life to comes home one day and doesn’t want you anymore.  I hate that we both struggle DAILY with not feeling worthy or good enough for anyone.  I hate that we let our hurt affect our ability to trust someone else.  This is something we are working on.  I KNOW we are good enough, but sometimes we need to remind one another.

I’m texting Crystal now, because it’s been one of those days.  She needs to vent a little, and I’m trying to give her the advice I know she would give me.  She doesn’t know it, but she’s taught me a lot about life and inspired me to live it a little differently.  Which is what I actually wanted this post be about.  One of the things she did might blow some of your minds, but then if you know her at all it probably won’t surprise you.  She bought a bible.  She bought the exact bible she wanted for herself, but for the woman her husband left her for..for the woman he was seeing behind her back.  And she prayed for this woman, and she prayed for her husband.  NONE of it was out spite either.  Okay.  I love Jesus.  (Yes, I love Jesus and cuss a little.  Spare me the judgement people.)  I love Jesus, but damn if you think I’m going to buy my husband’s mistress a bible you don’t know me.  I’m not going to seek her out and beat her ass or be spiteful either, but no, I’m not buying her a damn gift.  This is some Mother Theresa shit.  This is the stuff that can change the world we live in people.  If I COULD be that way, if we could ALL be that way, damn think of the change we would see.  I believe in karma.  I believe you get back what you put into the world.  So even when you don’t want to, be NICE.  It doesn’t make you weak.  It makes you STRONG.  Put out positivity into the universe, and watch it change your life.

So today, I’m trying REALLY hard to be positive.  Then I realized I was out of a baby wipes.  “No Problem,”  I think.  “I can manage a trip to the grocery store.”   See?  I’m so positive, kiss my ass negativity!  So I load up my two month old in my crummy little 90’s model cavalier, and it won’t start.  Too low on gas because I’m a moron apparently.  So I somehow get it to start and make it to a gas station.  (If you guys are trying to revoke my Mom of the Year award, don’t worry I already lost it)  Well, I’m in the store and wouldn’t you know my baby starts to fuss because she’s had a tummy ache all day.  So I go grab some gas drops, and with no shits given I open the package and give her some right there.  Her tears stop so no regrets from me.  Against my better judgement, I decide to use self checkout.  I hate it because the lady who “helps” with self checkout always stares at me like I stuffed some fucking NyQuil in my baby’s carseat or something.  I ignore the annoyed feelings because I am the queen of positivity today.  Finally, I’m outside realizing what a dumbass I am for not parking next to a cart return.  I’m sweating immensely and cursing the fact that I’m a single mom by the time I get in the front seat.  A simple trip to get wipes turned into an $80 trip and a full body workout!  I almost called Crystal to ask her if she thought Mother Theresa ALWAYS had her shit together, or if she thought she lost it every once in awhile…. but I didn’t.  She doesn’t know I compare her to Mother Theresa, she doesn’t even want to read this blog before I publish it.  She must trust me a lot, even with me being a hot mess.  Lord help her.

My life might still be pretty messy, but I’m getting it together.  What’s cool about it is Crystal and I both got new sidekicks out of our shitty situations.  She has a man that fits her so perfectly it actually freaks me out.  He’s her partner in crime for real!   He even comes with two mini versions of himself, and I know Crystal adores them too.  Damn, I just realized she’s basically got the Avengers now!  My sidekick is a lot smaller and can’t talk yet, but she smiles at me when I tell her jokes so I can’t complain about a lot these days.  Call it a silver lining.

I’ve kind of learned to embrace the messy side of life.  It’ll make for great stories one day.  Do I find myself wishing things were easier?  Definitely.  Would I change my path to make it so?  Definitely not.  There’s nothing wrong with loving your imperfect story, and there’s nothing wrong with loving your imperfect self.  Speaking of imperfect….we had every intention of getting some cute photos to use for our blogs this week, but as usual, when we get together this is what usually happens instead.

 

To read HER words, on MY blog visit www.gracefullyuncensored.com

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