That tiny little phrase kind of threw me for a loop. Honestly, I don’t think it’s a simple yes or no answer. The question was posed by a friend. Someone who I look up to as one of the most Godly women I know. The conversation started off with talk of my new relationship, and how happy I am. She looked across the room at “him” with his Santa Claus Pajamas, and Shrek house slippers and shook her head. We kind of giggled, and she said, “He healed your heart.” I smiled a little to myself, “and thought yes, yes he did!”
Let me stop right there and say that, I really do believe my heart is healed. I think that sometimes, well actually all the time, God knows just what we need to get through the hurt. On occasion he gives us a little, and other times he gives us a lot. When times are lean, we need to stand firm on the promise that everything happens for a reason. If we allow it to, the question of “why me?” will drive us mad, and hinder our healing to the point of self-destruction.
For everything that happens in life—there is a season,
a right time for everything under heaven
A time to be born, a time to die;
a time to plant, a time to collect the harvest;
A time to kill, a time to heal;
a time to tear down, a time to build up;
A time to cry, a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, a time to dance;
A time to scatter stones, a time to pile them up;
a time for a warm embrace, a time for keeping your distance;
A time to search, a time to give up as lost;
a time to keep, a time to throw out;
A time to tear apart, a time to bind together;
a time to be quiet, a time to speak up;
A time to love, a time to hate;
a time to go to war, a time to make peace.
I’ve read the previous scripture a thousand times, but now tonight thinking back on the conversation from yesterday, it takes on a whole new meaning. About a week ago, I had someone tell me it was time to start writing again. So, as my friend unknowingly titled this blog, yesterday I knew I would be writing for Y’all today. We were laughing and talking about our lives, when she turned serious for a moment. The great care in her voice spoke volumes to my soul as she asked, “Does it still hurt?”
I think I kind of floundered for what to say. I muttered something and the conversation turned without delay. I mean, do I tell her that sometimes I wake up in the night and I so desperately want someone to hold me close. When this happens, I try my best to shake it off and remind myself that God is holding me.
“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.”
Should I have mentioned that sometimes I have a really hard time, because I wonder if suddenly and unexpectedly I will diminish in value to the one I love. When I start to feel this way, I force myself to remember that I know the value I hold, and if someone(anyone) fails to recognize that, “BYE FELICIA.”
So to answer the question, No it really doesn’t hurt anymore. It hurts to think of the friends I’ve lost touch with since moving out of that little town. I try, really I do. I call, but a person can only call so many times before they feel like they are being pushed aside. What would I say to those friends if they were standing right in front of me? I would start with something like, “I understand” or “I know life can be super busy and hard.” It would end with some much-needed “friend” time. Sadly, life and relationships don’t always go like we picture. People walk away, or stop trying. There’s a time to search, and a time to give up. I just hate giving up.
When I lived in that tiny town, at least once a week Emilee and/or Hanna would come bake something with me. We would make mass quantities of homemade pizza and distribute them to all the neighbors. Just this week I was invited over to make cookies with a friend, it’s just a little thing. I might be the only one in the world to over think a cookie baking session.(Oh, how I need some time with friends in front of an oven.) I won’t lie though I feel a little like I’m cheating on Emilee and Hanna. I know they couldn’t care less and would laugh with me about how I always bossed them around my kitchen. Sometimes, though I remember those days and smile. Even though some of the best times of my life were in that kitchen, I don’t want to go back to that life where I never felt good enough. I want to stay in the place where I know I am enough.(I do sometimes wonder if the place remembers it’s person. There’s no doubt, that space belonged to me. I spent so much time kneeling and praying in my bedroom, that I know God’s presence must linger in that space. Drawing the ones I prayed so hard for to Himself. I can just imagine him whispering to them as they sleep, tugging their hearts towards Him.)
The place where “I am enough”. What does that look like? That place may be different for me, than it is for some of you. For me it’s surrounded by people who choose to spend time with me. It’s where God is the center of my life, and all that I do is led by my faith in him. I have a very hard time staying in that place, and find that over time I have to continuously draw myself back to Him.
” Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.”
As this blog post nears to an end, I’ll leave you with a question of my own:
What becomes of hurt, when it no longer hurts?
It could transform you in so many ways. Will you let pain caused by betrayal turn into bitterness and anger? Trust me, I can see how easily one could allow that to happen. I have days where I remember what has been done to me, and I struggle not to hate. I’m learning to see it, not as what has been done “to” me but what has been done “for” me. I was brought out of a life of melancholy and boredom. My heart longed for adventure and travel, but I would never have ventured outside of that little town. I wanted to reach out to people, random people, just to let them know they were(are) loved. That was very difficult to do without leaving a 10 mile radius. I mean there are only so many random people who you meet on your sofa! On Saturday, I’ll be wrapping presents with a little girl who has stolen a big chunk of my heart, for children who may have no other gifts than the ones we give.
Not once would I wish the feeling of rejection on another, but let’s face it… at some point it’s coming. Fear and pain go hand in hand with living life. That shouldn’t stop us from living life. As far as I’m concerned, the fear and hurt can have each other. I’m holding the hand of someone new, and it’s feels pretty darn great!