I’ve had this one line from a song running through my head for days. I found myself thinking, “I could use an easy Sunday morning, or maybe three.” I’ve felt the pull to write for about a month now, but every time I sit down with my laptop focusing becomes a huge problem. Most of the time I’m just too tired to think straight. I’ve had so much on my mind y’all. Last week was just plain Hard with a capital H! I know I’ve felt more than once in even just the last few days that we just can win. It seems like something is always breaking, someone is sick, or there’s an issue somewhere. I’d like to say I just smile and handle the situation to the best of my ability. Clearly that’s not always the case here. I spent most of last Monday evening in tears. Tuesday I was angry all day because of something I couldn’t control. The week just got better from there friends. Honestly, I let a situation have power over me and ruin a whole week.
I did learn a few things about myself in the middle of a difficult week. Even when pressed down, I will eventually rise above. In the middle of feeling defeated, I can turn still turn to my faith and be filled with peace. One night in particular, I awoke at 3 A.M. and my mind was in overdrive. I’m not kidding you when I say, I said, “God you promised that we could give our burdens to you. Show me the truth in this situation, and please help me to rest.” I had one of the best nights of sleep that I’ve had in a long time.
The funny thing is, I thought to myself, “I better look up the lyrics to that song, before I write about an easy Sunday morning.” What a surprise to see that it’s not just about an easy life. As a matter of fact it seems to be the complete opposite. The man singing the song has just had a really horrible time, or so it seems. Finally though, he’s going to stand up for himself and do what is best for him. WOW, how perfectly could I place myself in that song, from many past and some present situations. In the past week I’ve spent a lot of time soul-searching. Someone I loved dearly served me a reminder that I am supposed to guard my heart.
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
It was my own fault. I opened it up wide. I really don’t know how to love in halves. I shared what I was feeling with said person, and now I want to forget about the whole thing and run the opposite direction. I may end up doing just that, who knows. I truly believe you can forgive someone, but not let them have the same place in your heart that they once did. I have absolutely no idea what will happen in that situation. I’m trusting that it will turn out exactly the way it’s supposed to. Sadly sometimes you just have to keep your head down and press on. That’s the funny thing about life, it just keeps moving, with or without us. I absolutely refuse to stand still and be beaten down by circumstance. In the last few months, so many things have happened that could hold me back. I’ve been more than discouraged, but I’m not sure I know the word for it. I actually opened a new browser to google “more than discouraged”, but a bible verse ran through my mind… my faith led me to search, MORE THAN CONQUERORS.
Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?
As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
What is a conqueror exactly? I guess it means: (insert shoulder shrug), someone who doesn’t give up no matter what obstacles stand in their way. Generally, when it comes to important matters, I’m very slow to speak. I understand that once the word is said, sometimes the only thing to swallow is the foot in your own mouth. When I read Roman’s 8:31, through my two little eyes, I heard, “none of those things that have happened to me have the power to defeat me. That is… unless I let them.”
In the middle of all the chaos, I’ve taken some time to search my own heart. It seems I’ve let some things in there that don’t belong. Those things are starting to change me, and quite frankly I don’t like it. When my first inclination is not kindness, that’s a red flag. When I let someone else’s actions start to shape my attitude, red flag number two.
As I sit here writing, I’ve made myself a promise. I’ll put in the work to be the best version of me. I’m no longer going to let circumstances steal my peace, because circumstances change. Life changes. Sometimes people do things to us that are very wrong. Things have happened in my life in the past few months that I am disgusted by. I’d rather not elaborate. I haven’t decided what to do about them yet, but it’s had me down. It’s had me confused, hurt, and angry. I just kept thinking, “LET IT GO, LET IT GO.” As it turns out, my name isn’t Elsa. It probably would have been easier for her. Well, wait… didn’t she run away and build herself a fortress out of ice? The ice castle, maybe that was the place that she found her peace. My place is the beach. The problem is, I’m right smack dab in the middle of a whole bunch of land. I can’t run off to the Ocean every time I need a break.(someday I will live there) I’m learning to draw peace from my faith. When something is bothering me, as soon as I can get a moment alone, I give it to God. That’s not saying I never pick it back up. On a good day I only have to lay my burdens down 50 or 60 times. Eventually I leave them. What can I say, sometimes these things just take a little time.
I really do think I’ve finally decided to lay this down, and leave it though. I’m tired of trying to figure out why anyone would do such things. I’m tired of trying to figure out what to do. I’m asking any of you who read this to pray with or for me. I’m not sure exactly where God is leading. Just when I think I have it figured out… there comes a curveball, and things don’t turn out the way I thought they would.
Often I find myself wishing I knew the next step, or even the next three. Ultimately, I know exactly why I can’t see the plan for my life laid out like a map. God wants us to trust him to provide the light for the next step. If we knew exactly how things were going to turn out, we wouldn’t have to trust Him. We wouldn’t have to seek his hand on our lives. When chaos surrounds my life, I choose to look to Him who made me. He is my easy Sunday morning. He is my rest. He will fight for me when I don’t have the words to stand up for myself.
“The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.”
(English Standard Version)