It’s been such a long time since I’ve had the time to sit and write for y’all. Writing is one of the many things that brings me peace. In case you haven’t noticed, usually exactly what I’m going through or thinking about, is exactly what get’s put on the page for all of you. I’ve been so busy lately. By the time I’m home from the office, make dinner, and do whatever else needs attention, I find myself too tired to think clearly.
The last few days I’ve found myself thinking about all the stuff we miss out on because we’re busy, or we getting ready for tomorrow. I mean before today is over, I have to shower for tomorrow, make lunches for tomorrow, wash laundry for tomorrow, and hurry to get to sleep so we can wake up tomorrow and do it all again. Seems like things are always about what’s happening tomorrow, or at some point in the future. We’re waiting to be skinny enough to wear the bikini. We can’t wait to hang out with friends this weekend. Someday we will take a trip to the beach. It’s great to have things to look forward to.
As a matter of fact, I am ecstatic that one of my very best friends is coming to visit this weekend. I’m excited that myself and my niece are hosting an event this weekend to honor 14 women, who very much deserve the love that we have to offer. I can’t wait to spend a week on the beach this summer.
Maybe what you’re waiting for is different than what I am anticipating. My point is, we spend so much time looking forward that we miss today. We miss out on blessings, and laughter, because we’re too busy wishing for the “next” big life event. Tonight for example, we were busy cleaning the house for our weekend guests and we got a little visitor. Camden and his mommy stopped by to deliver girl scout cookies. I could’ve made myself too busy focused on my preparations for tomorrow, but instead I stopped for a few minutes. I had a silly conversation with one of the great loves of my life. I stuffed him full of cookies and can only hope he ran crazy circles around his mom’s house when they got home. It was a rough day for me today, and that little break with Cam, was the best part of the day for me. To think that I could’ve missed out on that, makes me a little bit sad.
“Hope but never expect. Look forward but never wait.”
If you’re anything like me, looking forward means anticipating. I get an idea, or a picture, in my head of just how I think things will go in my life. Humor me for a second, and stop and picture exactly how you’re life will go. At one time, my picture looked like a white “Pickett” fence kind of life. The thing about pictures is that sometimes not everything is as it seems. We as humans… sometimes we fail. We fall. We break. We hurt people we are supposed to love. We picture the perfect life, as a wife, a mother, and a friend. What happens when we are no longer a wife, the chance to be a mother passes us up, and we find ourselves drowning in longing for a better life. Moving forward is inevitable. We(I) sometimes get so worried about what might happen, because of what HAS happened in my life. When there’s nothing left for you to give, I sincerely hope that someone comes along in your life to remind you just who you are. When the spark within you has burned low, I hope someone passes by and fans the flame in your heart.
“You have to stop thinking you’ll be stuck in you’re situation forever. We feel like our heart will never heal or we’ll never get out of this impossible struggle. Don’t confuse a season for a lifetime. Even your trials have an expiration date. You will grow, life will change, things will work out.” -Brittney Moses
Look forward, but don’t wait. Know that there is a future out there and good things are in it. There are also a lot of bad things, sad things, and hard things coming your way. Don’t trade off your weekdays waiting for the weekend. There are going to be many more Mondays through Thursdays in your life than there will be weekends. Instead of wishing the week away, play board games on Monday night with the kids. Find someone you love, and just be happy in the now. Don’t waste time worrying about how the relationship will develop. You cannot control another person’s feelings. You can’t force someone to be a good husband, boyfriend, friend. The truth is, there will be friends that stick by your side for your whole life. There will be people that you thought were friends, who rip your emotions open and leave you to pick up the pieces. I’ve learned the hard way that with some people you can talk until you run out of words, and still find no common understanding. I’m here to tell you, it is OK!
“Not everyone will understand your journey. That’s okay. You’re here to live your life, not to make everyone understand.”
I heard a song this morning that talked about a person who felt like their faith was so small. Something had occurred to damage their faith. They were angry at God. The song continued on to state that, even when their faith was so small that it was almost non-existent, the singer still knew that God was there. I found myself crying like a baby on the drive to work. Remembering a time when I prayed, and knew with certainty that God heard the prayer. He definitely heard the prayer, but the answer wasn’t what I expected. It took a good long while before I was able to pray with certainty again. The very first time that I have prayed for something with expectancy, in a really long time was YESTERDAY y’all. Even as my lips were whispering the words, I was shocked to hear the prayer. As he lay sleeping in bed, I laid a hand on his back and I prayed. The prayer itself is important to no one but myself and my God, but the process of coming back to faith is a circle. Life events can cause us to draw back, or pause the process. If we jumped forward to all the good times, we would miss out on thousands of connections and changes. I have found that I appreciate the good all the more when it comes around now, in spite of the bad. So while I cannot wait to spend my Saturday with a bunch of women, some of whom I will meet for the first time, some I’ve known almost my whole life, I’ll enjoy this Monday night watching Arrow on Netflix. While I would LOVE to have a new last name someday, I’ll be just fine with the name I have for as long as I have it. While I’ve lost some friends, because we don’t see eye to eye, I’ll not wish bad things for them. I would even lift them up if given the chance. For a while there, I almost lost myself, and my true purpose in life. That purpose is so very simple.
“If you want more kindness in the world put it there.”